Mr. F's Kheer recipe
COOKING TIME: approx. 80 minutes.

DIFFICULTY: crazy easy, but dang there is a lot of stirring involved.

INGREDIENTS:
- 6 Cups Whole Milk (folks, do NOT try this with reduced fat milk, IT WILL NOT WORK)
- 3/4 Cups Basmati Rice (other rice types are okay, but this really works best with basmati. Also, this is technically about three times as much rice as would show up in "traditional" kheer, but fuck that noise. FORWARD THE GLORIOUS KHEER REVOLUTION)
- 3/4 Cups Sugar
- 1 Teaspoon Cardamom (I love this stuff so I'll sometimes put an extra teaspoon in for the hell of it. NOTE: do NOT pay twelve fucking dollars for a little can at your shitty supermarket, and the same goes for the basmati rice for that matter. Go find a local Indian grocery place and drop five bucks for a bag that's twice as big)

OPTIONAL:
- 1/4 Cups Milk Powder (I like kheer to be very thick, and this helps firm it up. OPTIONALLY, just throw in some half-and-half)
- 1/2 Cups Slivered (or Chopped) Almonds
- 1 Pinch Saffron (A PINCH IS A VERY PRECISE MEASUREMENT. Adds a little aroma if you such as like that kind of thing)
- 1 Stick Cinnamon (I personally don't like kheer with cinnamon, as it should RIGHTFULLY BE DOMINATED BY THE CARDAMOM, but if you want it then I guess here it is)

DIRECTIONS:
1. Pour the milk in a deep pot, and bring it to a boil. Be VERY VERY CAREFUL not to turn the heat up too high, or you'll scald the milk (you will know you have done this if you start to notice nasty brown chunks appear in your mix). I'm particularly paranoid about this, so I never bring the heat up further than a little over midway. STIR CONSTANTLY, keeping stuff off the sides and bottom as best you can. It usually takes about 25-30 minutes for a light boil to take form, and by that time the milk should be thickening nicely.
2. After you've got a light boil going, add the rice, sugar, and (if you're using it) the stick of cinnamon. KEEP STIRRING. Allow the rice to cook, which should take around 30 to 40 minutes (pick some out with a spoon or whatever to test it). About 15 minutes into this the milk should really be thickening up, so go ahead and add the milk powder (or half-and-half) if you're using it. Also add the almonds at this point. KEEP FUCKING STIRRING.
3. After the rice is cooked, mix in the cardamom (OH GOD YES) and add a pinch of saffron if you'd like. Turn the heat down a notch, STAY UP WITH THE GODDAMNED STIRRING, and keep the stuff cooking until it's as thick as you want (I usually give it another five minutes at low heat).
4. Remove the kheer from heat, and let it cool (it will thicken a lot more as it does so). After this, you can either serve it at room temperature or throw it in the fridge (I PERSONALLY PREFER IT COLD). You should have about four servings, more or less.
5. STUFF THE KHEER INTO YOUR FAT FUCKING FACE LIKE THE FATE OF THE MARS COLONY DEPENDS ON IT